You’ve asked before
and last night over prime rib and lobster
you asked again —
can’t we just let it all go?
I thought briefly of trying to explain
how it took me at least a year, and maybe more
to fully let it in,
to truly see that the ties that bind
were now being used against me.
The breach was not a clean break.
It was taking what I thought was a healthy and loving relationship
and slowly wrapping it like a rope around my neck.
No matter what I did, I could not avoid being strangled
by the insult to my feelings of love and trust
that were so totally trashed and annihilated.
I had believed in this family,
just as you;
but I stood and watched helplessly
as she turned her back
on her father,
and yes, even you,
because of money.
Think on that.
Little by little, the picture became clear
like a Polaroid developing before my eyes,
the bigger plan that had been in place all along.
Comments made. Games played.
Cryptic warnings from others who had suffered similar betrayal
fell on deaf ears.
Our deaf ears.
To our detriment.
Because then it was our turn.
The horrible things said over the phone;
the deflections that we fell for time and again — out of trust and love;
the unkind and untrue words put in writing.
For a year I hurt and cried at of loss of a sister I had loved deeply.
I tried to talk it out, write it out, trying to force an understanding
for an evil that cannot be understood.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes once said, when you see evil, run.
I was blind. So, so blind.
It isn’t about forgiving and forgetting.
This went too deep.
In regard to your request last night,
I realized while sipping my Chardonnay
that even saying any of this wouldn’t matter.
The ties that bind are permanently unraveled.
We cannot put these fragments back together again.
I am surprised as anyone at the truth of this.
And as I write this today, I realize it isn’t my job anyway.
I did not destroy this family.
I cannot put it back together.